The 5 Worst Films of 2005

I haven't had time to see a movie lately, so here's one from the archives:

5. CRASH
I don't require that the films I see have people like those I know in real life. I don't require that they have characters who speak like people I know in real life. I do, however, require that, unless the movies feature balrogs or wookies or toupeed actors screaming "Khaaaaaann!", they have people that could, conceivably, walk the earth.

4. STAR WARS III
Y'know, I just can't get into the STAR WARS prequels. Then again, my father couldn't get into STAR WARS. Time marches on.

3. WAR OF THE WORLDS
Imagine spending two hours watching the end of the world. Now imagine spending two hours watching the end of the world through the eyes of a guy you wish would just die, already. WAR OF THE WORLDS gave us spectacle without character. Without character, of course, we may as well be watching paint dry.

2. FANTASTIC FOUR
I didn't care about Ben Grimm. I didn't care about Victor Von Doom. I didn't care about Mr. Fantastic, Inviso-Girl, or the Human Torch. This movie should have spent less time CGI-ing incredible action sequences and more time CGI-ing a decent script.

1. MINDHUNTERS
This movie is so extraordinarily, aggressively bad that I suspect its creators personally hate each and every single one of us. MINDHUNTERS defies the laws of physics, chemistry, psychology, and the State of Nebraska in its attempt to bring us fun, dumb entertainment. I'll say this much: they got the dumb part right. P.S. I love Iceland and its wonderful, warm, and forgiving people.