Letter From An Unknown Woman

Some time ago, I read a glowing review of LETTER FROM AN UNKNOWN WOMAN, starring Joan Fontaine, and Netflixed it right away. I then forgot all about it and, when LETTER FROM AN UNKOWN WOMAN arrived in my mailbox, I was mildly perplexed. "I thought this was Joan Fontaine movie," I, er, thought. "I must be mixed up. I'm sure I'll like this Chinese movie just fine."

I'm here to tell you that I did not like the 2004 Chinese remake of LETTER FROM AN UNKNOWN WOMAN. While director and lead actress Xu Jinglei sells her character's aging and emotional development, she fails to capture the imagination or the heart with her maudlin, ponderous retelling of the story.

LETTER FROM AN UNKNOWN WOMAN opens with a rich guy reading his mail. One of the letters begins, "Now that my son is dead, I can tell you the truth: that I've always loved you. If you're reading this, I'm dead, too, so fear not: I ask nothing of you, for the dead have no needs." The movie lost me right there, as I rolled my eyes at the kind of "doomed romantic" bs that even the most callow of schoolgirls would find ridiculous. The movie takes us through the author of that letter's life as, yes, a callow schoolgirl, a slightly older callow schoolgirl, and, well, some other things, too. As I said, I bought the character's life transitions, but I couldn't get past the sickly-sweet nature of the story, the celebration of the ultimate in passive aggressiveness: bringing the guilt from beyond the grave.

Reviewer, now that the movie is over, I can tell you the truth: that I spent an hour and a half wondering what got into you. If you're reading this, fear not: there must be DVD of the other, better LETTER FROM AN UNKOWN WOMAN out there. After I wash the taste of this one out of my mouth, I just might give it a try.

Evan Almighty

Oh, how I loathed EVAN ALMIGHTY. Here's a movie that takes the most banal platitudes:
((1) Dad needs to make more time for the kids.
(2) McMansions are bad.
(3) SUVs, and particularly Hummers, are bad.
(4) Development is bad. (5) Realtors are bad (ok, that was a new one).
(6) Animals are good.
(7) That "random acts of kindness" meme is the height of Divine truth.
(7) Wanda Sykes is funny.),

combines them with stunning ignorance:
((1) Small-time TV news co-anchors and congressmen can afford giant houses and fabulous cars.
(2) House committee chairmen are just slightly less powerful than the President.
(3) Congressional chiefs of staff and legislative aids are basically the same thing.
(4) A committee chairman can fire a congressman.
(5) The Blue Ridge Mountains are short commute to DC.
(6) God is a moron.
(7) Anyone would choose to live in Buffalo instead of anywhere else in the world, including Port au Prince.),

and creates a lazy, preachy, treacly, unfunny mess of a film that amused my 7-yr-old, but made my wife and me want to stick forks in our eyes.

EVAN ALMIGHTY's jokes are lame. Its characterizations are lame. Its politics are lame. Its religion is lame. Its dialogue, its CGI, its direction, its music, its buildup, its climax, its ending, even its closing credits are lame (Ok, its ending and closing credits are more desperate than lame, but still...). Morgan Freeman makes for an agreeable King of Kings and Steve Carrell makes for an agreeable prophet, but that's about all this movie has to offer. Avoid, avoid, avoid this movie. It's not worth seeing.