114 Ghastly Films

I haven't had the chance to see anything for a few days, so I present you with a list of 114 ghastly films. These aren't the worst movies ever. They're just the worst movies I've seen.

Armageddon (1998)
At First Sight (1999)
Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)
Austin Powers 2 (1999)
Babel (2006)
Bad Santa (2003)
Basic Instinct (1992)
Batman & Robin (1997)
The Beastmaster (1982)
Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story (2006)
Blood Work (2002)
Brewster's Millions (1985)
The Cable Guy (1996)
Caligula (1979)
Canadian Bacon (1995)
The Cannonball Run (1981)
Comic Book: The Movie (2004)
Con Air (1997)
The Corporation (2004)
Crocodile Dundee 2 (1988)
Cutthroat Island (1995)
Days of Thunder (1990)
Death Becomes Her (1992)
The Debut (2000)
Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)
Dick Tracy (1990)
Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)
Dungeons & Dragons (2000)
Election (1999)
Evita (1996)
Exit to Eden (1994)
Fair Game (1995)
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
Fifteen Minutes (2001)
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
The Foot Fist Way (2006)
Funny Farm (1988)
Get Carter (2000)
Gods and Generals (2003)
Great Expectations (1998)
The Great Outdoors (1988)
Guarding Tess (1994)
Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991)
Hercules in New York (1970)
Hideaway (1995)
Highlander 2: Renegade Version (1990)
Hollow Man (2000)
Hot Rod (2007)
House II: The Second Story (1987)
How to Make an American Quilt (1995)
Impromptu (1991)
An Inconvenient Truth (2006)
Iron Eagle (1986)
Jaws 3 (1983)
L'Eclisse (1962)
Life Stinks (1991)
Little Children (2006)
Loser (2000)
Lost & Found (1999)
Madonna: Truth or Dare (1991)
Mamma Mia! (2008)
Men in Black II (2002)
Mercy (1999)
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)
Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
My Father the Hero (1994)
Naked Weapon (2002)
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Notorious C.H.O. (2002)
The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000)
The Pagemaster (1994)
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1958)
Pretty Woman (1990)
The Quest (1996)
Rat Race (2001)
The Ref (1994)
The Replacement Killers (1998)
Respiro (2002)
Riding in Cars with Boys (2001)
Rising Sun (1993)
Rush Hour 3 (2007)
Serial Mom (1995)
She Devil (1989)
Showgirls (1995)
Sneakers (1992)
Son of Godzilla (1967)
Species (1995)
Spies Like Us (1985)
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2002)
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
Stargate (1994)
Starship Troopers (1997)
Stealth (2005)
Strange Days (1995)
Sudden Death (1995)
Summer Rental (1985)
Superman III (1983)
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
Talladega Nights (2006)
Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000)
Three Times (2005)
The Toy (1982)
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
Wagons East (1994)
Waterworld (1995)
Weekend at Bernie's (1989)
What About Bob? (1991)
Wild Wild West (1999)
Wing Commander (1999)
XXX: Special Edition (2002)
Zoom: Academy for Superheroes (2006)

Man on Wire

I don't get MAN ON WIRE. This film, which has garnered near-universal praise, is about a bunch of people who passionately devote themselves to a deadly project that is a complete waste of time.

I mean, ok, I can get a documentary about people and their obsessions. But I can't get a documentary about a guy whose obsession is tempting death. And for what does he do it? Does anyone benefit in any way? Sure, a very limited number of people get an awesome spectacle of excellence, but at the risk of many more people seeing, right up close, a man fall to his death and, essentially, liquify before their eyes.

The film, the story of Philippe Petit's tightrope dance between the two towers of the World Trade Center, takes it as a given that it's fun to waste enormous amounts of energy, money, and time on his frivolity. Further, it takes as a given that it's fun to outfox $3.75/hr security guards and get through the WTC's security to pull it off. All I could think was, "How many security guards lost their livelihoods over this stunt?"

It must be me. Maybe it's my approach to risk. I understand that there are dangers in the world, and that one must make risk/benefit calculations when coming to prudent decisions. But the risk here is so great and the reward so ephemeral that I couldn't get behind the project, couldn't root for the people, couldn't exult in their triumph.

That's not to say that you won't enjoy MAN ON WIRE. I may be the odd man out on this one. But I'm way out. I'll never see this movie again, and that's ok with me.

Role Models

ROLE MODELS is your standard comedy about man-children who learn an important Life Lesson and find their way to actual adulthood. You’ve seen its every beat before and it has nothing new to offer in the way of conception, scoring, technical wizardry, or artistry.

It’s also funny. Very funny. Laugh – out – loud funny. Paul “why is this guy not a huge star” Rudd and Seann William Scott are a great comic duo, playing off one another with the perfect combination of affection and exasperation. Elizabeth Banks turns a thankless “love interest” part into gold, and Jane Lynch is just one or two more parts this great away from joining Cloris Leachman in the Hall of Great Comic Actresses (I don’t know why Jane Lynch reminds me of Cloris Leachman. She just does. It’s a compliment.). This is a movie that goes from broad, physical bits to Marvin Hamlisch jokes and back again with flawless delivery and perfect timing.

Yes, it should be crap. You know it. I know it. The guys who wrote it know it. But they took a crap outline, fleshed it out with great jokes, put it in the hands of first-rate comic actors, and turned it into a freakin’ masterpiece.

Who’d’a thunk it.

PS I used to run down the ravine behind the University of San Diego. At the bottom of the ravine, there’s a park. On Saturdays, that park would be filled with people dressed like hot dog vendors at the Renaissance Fair, merrily whacking one another with foam rubber swords. Just so you know, there are folks out there who really do see that as a fun way to spend their Saturday.

Jumanji

In my review of SITA SINGS THE BLUES, I noted that most of the films we see are achingly average. For Exhibit A, I present to you JUMANJI, a feature-length adaptation of a picture book by Chris van Allsburg. The picture book, a trifling story that gives van Allsburg an excuse to draw things like monkeys making a mess of a kitchen and rhinos charging down Main Street, gets the full Hollywood treatment. It’s shoehorned into a three act structure about a kid who learns to deal with fear, it gets Robin Williams as a star, and it’s a full-throated combination of CGI and practical effects that veers between fun and terrifying, depending on the viewer’s combination of wildlife and insect – related phobias. (Yeah, yeah. I know. Arachnids aren’t insects. Everyone loves a pedant.)

While some of the effects are quite good (I particularly loved the giant plastic spiders – fishing line and all.), JUMANJI doesn’t plant the combination of danger and adventure. Its world is so dangerous that it’s hard to have much fun in it. That leaves the kids out, and it makes the parents so conscious of the effect it may be having on their kids that it leaves them out, as well.

Still, stars Williams, Kirsten Dunst, Bradley Pierce, and Bonnie Hunt do professional work, and I’m a sucker for father-son relationship stuff, so I’m not willing to call JUMANJI a right-out failure. It’s just achingly average, like so much else we see.