Battleship

I just sat down to write a review of the movie I saw last week, then spent a good ten seconds searching my memory to recall which movie it was.

Either I'm getting old or I saw Battleship.

Here's the setup: blah blah blah, high-spirited naval officer needs to mature and hey I think I'll do the dishes, aliens and something and some ships, blah blah blah, a bunch of SWO stuff and I might as well pick up the toys and straighten the bookshelves, and hey, what's this?  The mighty USS Missouri putting out to sea to attack some interstellar bad guys?  *Now* you have my attention.  Too bad it's already the third act.

I'm not joking.  I have almost zero recollection of anything that happens before the third act.  And I watched the whole movie (and did the dishes, and picked up around the living room, and straightened the bookshelves).  My three boys, including the one who begged me to let him stay up last night to finish watching Vincent Price in The House on Haunted Hill, wandered off sometime during the leadup to the second-act crisis.  But once that third act hit and the Mo got underway, the red in my veins turned to blue and gold and I planted myself on that couch.  What followed was hot, hot battleship action, with the 16-inch guns booming and the captain on the bridge wing calling the shots and the ship itself doing things I'm pretty sure no battleship can actually do, but that looked really cool.  I'm tellin' ya, if you like Navy stuff, you'll love the last act of Battleship.  Better yet, if you're a USNA '92 grad, you'll love the denoument even more.  Our very own Chad Muse, all-around great guy and the very first person I hope to see if I ever get rolled up somewhere out there, makes an appearance and even gets a few lines.  He offers the hero, established as the SWO (Surface Warfare Officer) of SWOs, the ultimate reward for saving the world: a ticket out of the SWO community.  It's beautiful, man.

So there you have it.  Wait for Battleship to hit instant, fast-forward 'til the Mo shows up, then enjoy.  It's a great 30 minutes at the movies.

Hancock

What if Superman had poor social skills?

What if he had no social skills? What if he was a drunk, an outcast? What would a world like that look like?

Well, I don't know what that kind of world would look like, but I know that that kind of pitch looks like: a winner. Cast Will Smith as the Superman manque, and now we're talking sure-fire winner. HANCOCK works because Smith is the kind of movie star we love even when he's playing the jerk: the kind of guy we know will come around in the end. And who better to bring him around than Jason Bateman, perhaps the world's finest straight man, and Bateman's "Arrested Development" costar Charlize Theron?

Granted, this is not the kind of movie that'll change your life, but HANCOCK doesn't aspire to be. It aims for big, pulpy entertainment in the "Astro City" vein, and it hits its mark. Good work, Mr. Berg.

The Kingdom

THE KINGDOM, a mystery / cultural thriller set in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, follows an FBI team that receives permission from the Saudi royal family to assist in investigating a terrorist attack on Westerners living in a company compound. Complications ensue, and we’re on our way to great investigation of the clash of Muslim and Western culture. That is, until director Peter Berg decides that we in the audience are idiots who won’t sit still for a good story unless a kickass gun battle breaks out.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time in the United Arab Emirates, but I’ll admit to a bit of cultural prejudice. While I’ve never been treated with anything other than friendliness and respect, I never walk down the street without maintaining a complete scan of my environment and I never walk down back alleys. And that’s the UAE, where Saudis come to party. THE KINGDOM takes the sense of unease a Westerner can feel in a Gulf State and dials it up to eleven, perfectly capturing that sense of alertness, that sense of feeling like a somewhat unwelcome guest who’ll be tolerated nonetheless.

And then it throws the achievement away with a professional but pedestrian climactic battle that, seemingly, comes out of nowhere. Here we are plumbing the subtleties of the Arab mind and having a fine time doing it, then it’s all RPGs and bubblegum philosophy about turning the other cheek. Ah, well.

Two observations that I couldn’t manage to work into the body of the review: #1, Danny Elfman’s score is phenomenal. #2, Danny Huston’s “slimy guy” schtick is getting old. C’mon, Danny, you were great in THE PROPOSITION! Choose more roles that show off your range!

Smokin' Aces

Y'know what I liked best about the structure of SMOKIN' ACES? It finished act one during the opening credits, spent about ten minutes going through act two, then used the rest of the movie to give us one long third act. From the beginning of that third act, it's non-stop jokes, gunshots, and chain saws. What's not to like?

SMOKIN' ACES reminds me of SNATCH in that it isn't so much about story as execution. This movie tries to dazzle us with playful, snappy and memorable characters, and general quirkiness. Overall, it succeeds, though I agree that the film could have done without its twist and the ending is a bit of a letdown. Had I seen this one in a theater, I would have been disappointed. As a time-filler during a long overwater flight, it was just the thing.