Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

I pity the cold and withered heart that doesn't quicken at the very notion of a film entitled Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I can't imagine the psyche that doesn't thrill to the idea of a Timur Bekmanbetov (of Night Watch) vampire movie that combines the Lincoln-Douglas Debates, Harriett Tubman and the Underground Railroad, and the Battle of Gettysburg into a thrilling, funny, and action-packed hour and forty-five minutes of Historic Undead Battlin' Action. Why, of course Jefferson Davis was in cahoots with the Vampire Nation all along. Of course Mary Todd Lincoln used a Springfield Rifle to put silver bullets through undead foreheads. Of course Abraham Lincoln, rail-splitter in his youth, could handle a silver axe like Bruce Lee of the Frontier.

And of course Rufus Sewell, who was a marvelous villain in The Illusionist, is a 5000 year old Alpha Vampire who just wants freedom for his people. I mean, whom would you cast?

Oh, how I loved this movie. Benjamin Walker is the Young Mister Lincoln Henry Fonda only wished he could have been. Alan Tudyk, who hit a home run with Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, is the perfect is-he-or-isn't-he Stephen A. Douglas. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is, well, {sigh}.

But y'know what? A clever idea and a terrific cast only get you so far. It's all in the execution, and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter succeeds beyond all expectations. This isn't a one-joke exercise in meta-irony. Rather, Bekmanbetov plays the material completely straight, creating a full-throated horror-themed action-adventure and a tribute to the ideals of the actual President who saved the Union. Somehow, this complements his film's inherent ridiculousness. As the viewer, we don't think, "Ah, how amusing. There's Lincoln working on the Gettysburg Address while fighting the undead." Rather, we think, "Wow! Look at that stuntwork! I never thought you could do that with an axe, but I do now! Lincoln is awesome!" Then he delivers the Gettysburg Address and we cry because, doggone it, it's the Gettysburg Address and we believe in it. And still, we grin because, c'mon, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

There are films out there so delightful, so unexpectedly good, that they make us want to grab our friends by the lapels and shake them until they agree to rent them. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is one of those films. See it and rejoice.