I’ve been putting off writing this post. I only see movies I think I’m going to enjoy,
and I take no pleasure in dissing any particular film. After all, it takes incredible chutzpah to release any kind of creative
work, hanging your creation out there for all to see. I respect anyone who makes anything, and
especially respect anyone with the combination of talent, skill, leadership
ability, and business sense required to make a feature film. Nevertheless, anyone can misfire. Here are the misfires I saw in 2014.
10. Elysium:
Possibly the ugliest film I’ve seen in years, Elysium dares tell the world that rich people are bad. This is particularly brave, given that this
is a major studio production. Somewhere
in Hollywood, rich studio executives, a rich director, and several rich movie
stars all decided that telling the world they’re bad people was a good
idea. Oh, what’s that? They meant *other* rich people? I get it.
Well, at least they served up their hypocrisy with a serving of
‘splosions.
9. Silver Linings Playbook: This film got accolades during last year’s
Oscar season. I don’t get it. 90 minutes with people who know how to
communicate only by lying or shouting is 89 minutes too long. I couldn’t get to the credits fast enough.
8. Ted: A 10-minute sketch stretched into a 90-minute feature, this film's premise wears out its welcome less than a third of the way through. I don’t understand how anyone could have
read this screenplay and said, “This is a film I want to make!”
7. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone: Another failed comedy, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is based on the assumption that
audiences enjoy watching hateful characters treat one another poorly. If I wanted that, I’d see Silver Linings Playbook again. At least that movie doesn’t pass itself off
as something trying to be funny.
6. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: This big-budget action-adventure actually put
me to sleep during its climax. At least
numbers 10-7 on this list kept my attention, in a train-wreck kind of way.
5. Room 247: This amateurishly made film about Stanley
Kubrick’s The Shining has absolutely
nothing to say. It’s like being stuck
with the crashing bore at a party. I’m
fascinated by The Shining and was
looking forward to learning about its production. Instead, I got conspiracy theories and stock
footage. Ugh.
4. Robot & Frank: Here’s another film that failed at its most
basic function: to entertain. I fell
asleep roughly halfway through this film about a disagreeable man doing bad
things. When I woke up, I realized that
I had missed absolutely nothing at all.
3. After Earth: I couldn’t even get through this one. I’m sure Jaden Smith is a nice kid who’s
trying to make it in the family business.
Unfortunately, he isn’t ready yet.
He lacks screen presence, and I just couldn’t get invested in his
character’s journey.
2. The Heroic Trio: Such a sad waste of the talents of the queens
of mid-‘80s Hong Kong kung fu cinema.
Not even Michelle Yeoh, Anita Mui, and Maggi Chung can enliven this
poorly shot, amateurishly choreographed, laughably bad movie.
1. Pain & Gain: As I understand it, this film was Michael
Bay’s pet project, a low-budget comedy that, presumably, came from the
heart. Michael Bay’s heart must be a
cold, dark place. Pain & Gain revels in stupidity, cruelty, and a pervading
cynicism that made me feel like a terrible person just for watching it. The world is a worse place for the presence
of this film.
