Ichi

Remember Zatoichi, the blind swordsman? You know the guy: 27 films, 112 television episodes, and even a Takashi Miike - directed stage production. He’s a masseur, he’s a swordmaster, and he’s the baddest blind dude in the land.

So, what if he had a protégé, something of an adopted daughter, also blind and a goze (a sort of officially sanctioned, blind itinerant musician)? What if they’ve separated and she’s on a quest to find him? What if she gets caught up in a conflict between bandits and villagers? Oh, and what if the actress who plays her is blessed with remarkable beauty?

What we’re talking about here is a 99% chance of awesomness.  Sadly, welcome to the 1%.

The actress appears never to have handled a sword, and she mustn’t even be a very good dancer, because director Fumihiko Sori never shows us a decent duel. We get succession of closeups, sprays of digital blood, and young Ichi’s strangely clean blade returning to its sheath. That’s it. Sure, other characters battle reasonably well, but the film isn’t entitled Other Characters. It’s entitled Ichi, and I don’t think it’s too much to expect for an actress playing a master swordswoman to be able to actually, y’know, handle a katana. But that’s not all. If the protagonist can’t use a blade, the antagonist can’t use his face to convey things like, oh, actual human emotion. All he can do is snarl and laugh menacingly, while trying to look threatening in costumes so silly Elton John would laugh them off the stage.

Ichi seemed like a sure thing, but they dropped the ball. Fortunately, you have 140 other outings of (a very similar) character to enjoy. Have at it.