The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

There is such a thing as competitive vintage video gaming. There are adults, people with businesses and families, who spend enormous amounts of time pursuing world records in games like Frogger, Q*Bert, Joust, Space Invaders, and Donkey Kong. These people have their own subculture, and their subculture has an evil king. THE KING OF KONG: A FISTFUL OF QUARTERS is a documentary about a hapless schmuck who decides that there's gotta be something he can succeed in, makes becoming the Donkey Kong champion that one thing, blunders into this subculture, and takes on the king.

It's phenomenal.

THE KING OF KONG has everything one could want in a movie: heroes, villains, partisans on both sides, romantic tension, and a structure so perfect one wonders if parts of it were scripted. As Steve Wiebe pursues his quest to finally win at something, we get wrapped up in it with him even as we see the toll it takes on his family. As Billy Mitchell and his minions try one ploy after another to protect his title, we boo and hiss even as we marvel at the fact that such an obvious slimeball can actually succeed in the wider world. Who knew that watching a pixellated plumber climb up a ladder could generate so much drama?

WALL-E

Pixar is in an interesting place. When we sit down for a Pixar film, we expect beauty and thought and humor. We expect to be dazzled, and anything short of that disappoints us.

Fear not. WALL-E is dazzling - it entranced my 2-yr old, my 8-yr old, my wife, and me. But it's also disturbing.

One of the film's sequences follows an obese person in a floating chair, gorging on visual media and wasting time discussing inanities such as what he thought of some movie or tv show he'd recently seen. It's all part of the film's message about consumerism, physical and virtual, and I couldn't help but see it as a shot at me.

You see, I'm a guy who likes to spend his time thinking about entertainments. I find watching movies and writing little snippets about them to be recreational, certainly moreso than the mind-numbing tedium that is fishing or planting stuff. And I do that writing on a nifty little computer, while sitting on a comfy couch. Granted, I'm fit, but I'm pretty sure that Jack LaLanne could kick my ass, and he was born in 1914. In other words, I'm almost exactly the kind of guy at whome WALL-E is taking a shot.

Which is fine. Good art has the power to confront, and I resolve that confrontation by noting that this isn't *all* I do, but that I also spend a considerable amount of my time doing actual jobs that actually make people's lives better here in the real world. But while I accept that film's thesis that a passive life is a live half-lived, I take issue with the agrarian utopianism it presents as an alternative. While the agrarian utopia has long held a place in the western imagination, anyone who has spent considerable time around farmers can report that they aren't the healthiest people on Earth. They live a hard life, the kind of life that looks great when you're stuck in a cubicle writing code, but the kind many would trade in a minute.

Jeez. Looking over the last couple of paragraphs, it seems like a wrote an nigh-incomprehensible mishmash of ideas. Perhaps it's time to go for a run.

Strictly Ballroom

Oh, how I love STRICTLY BALLROOM. 

I don't love this movie for its innovative storyline. I don't love this movie for its powerhouse performances. I don't love this movie for its groundbreaking technical innovations. I love this movie because this movie is so in love with movies that I can't help but fall in love with it. 

STRICTLY BALLROOM loves everything about movies. It loves classic, David v. Goliath setups wrapped around love stories. It loves big, broad, physical perfomances, the kind where the mousy girl from the back row lets her hair down, takes her glasses off, and blows everyone away. It loves those filters that turn every point of light into a star. It loves bright costumes, big dance numbers, and villains getting their comeuppance. 

And that love is infectious. It creates a film so joyful that my wife and I laughed all the way through it, riding a crest of goodwill the film created early and carried through to the closing number. What a great movie. 

Swordsman II

SWORDSMAN II is a milestone in my family. It's the first subtitled film that my 8-yr-old has sat for all the way through. It's also the first film featuring transgendered characters, quasi-lesbian romance, and bondage he's sat through. That wasn't really part of the game plan, but I guess it had to come sooner or later.

An hour after finishing SWORDSMAN II, I'm still not entirely sure what it's about. Jet Li is a Drunken Master -ish leader of a group of wuxia warriors on their way to some holy mountain, where they plan to renounce Kung Fu and live as - I don't know - peaceful mountain people until they run out of food or money or both. One of the warriors, a woman who refers to Li as "brother," is clearly hot for him. I hope he wasn't really her brother, or I'll have even more splainin to do when my wife gets home. Anyway, they're on their way to meet some hot chick whose equally hot henchwoman calls her "chief," and with whom she engages in some amusing tongueplay.

Then ninjas show up. With scorpions. But Hot Chief Chick and her minions unleash their snakes upon them and rocks them like a hurricane.

There's more: soon, a transgendered warlord (warlady?) shows up, back by her band of ronin. That's right: a transgendered warperson with samurai henchmen. "Really," I felt like saying to this movie, "you had me at ninjas and scorpions." But there's a twist (Oh, of course there is!): the warperson is married to a lady who's wondering why her husband hasn't slept with her in six months. And why he's wearing makeup. And taking up embroidery. And having the likes of Jet Li show up at her doorstep, drunk and horny, in the middle of the night.

Wait, what? What's Jet Li doing with this dudelette, when he's got these other two chicks (one with snakes) all over him? Well, it's complicated, but it has to do with the warperson's brother, whom she's been keeping chained in a dungeon for (coincidentally) six months.

Just as SWORDSMAN II really started to creep me out, however, it rolled into a huge wirework battle. While, sadly, the battle lacked scorpions or snakes, it featured plenty of needlepoint, swordplay, and needlepoint swordplay. Not to mention of the winnowing of the love quadrangle (which is always awkward, I don't care who you are) to a more manageable triangle. Bondage guy gets his mitts on warperson, which is satisfying if that's your thing, and Li is left with serious questions about his sexuality, which (it appears) his totally submissive quasi-sister will be more than happy to help him work though.

In other words, SWORDSMAN II makes for lovely family viewing. I'm reasonably confident that my kid didn't catch any of that, but instead saw an entirely different movie, one about a heroic clan fighting an evil warlady and relearning lessons about the futility of the martial life.

Thank God. I don't have time for that much splainin.

What I Thought About What I Saw: 2008

I rarely see films in theaters, so I often miss out on the year-end Prestige Pictures. That said, here are the top and bottom ten from among the films I did see before the year ran through.

THE BEST

1. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

This is the film I keep returning to in my mental "greatest hits" archive. Funny, sweet, and all-around wonderful, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL is the 2008 film I'll be happy to see again and again.

2. Hellboy 2

Noone does "dazzling flights of the imagination" like Del Toro, and HELLBOY 2's amazing visuals and marvelous leaps of imagination stands as yet another fine addition to the man's catalog. If for no other reason, see this film to see a man whose head is a castle. It's magnificent.

3. Kung Fu Panda

The most beautiful film of the year, KUNG FU PANDA is filled with images so gorgeous they've adorned my desktop for months. I can't wait to see this one again on Blu-Ray.

4. Leatherheads

What a pleasure enjoy two hours of snappy dialogue delivered by sharp, charismatic performers. This movie came out of nowhere to take me by very pleasant surprise.

5. Speed Racer

Come to think of it, I think I did see the Star Child appear during that final race.

6. The Dark Knight

Everything people have been saying about Ledger's performance is true. His Joker is haunting and queasily funny and absolutely unforgettable.

7. In Bruges

A dark, sad comedy about honor and loss and redemption and responsibility. I finally get the hype about Colin Farrell.

8. Cloverfield

Ok, so it made two of the guys I went with throw up. Or maybe that was just the pre-film tequila shots. Whatever the reason, CLOVERFIELD made that which is old new again.  It did so by making it very scary, the way it was when it was old.

9. Iron Man

In the words of Jim Beaver, I'd watch Robert Downey, Jr. sand his baseboards. He's got his charisma dialed up to 11 in this one, and Jeff Bridges and Gwyneth Paltrow dial it right up with him. What a fun time at the movies.

10. You Don't Mess with the Zohan

I laughed all the way through this silly, over the top comedy. I expected it rough and raucous, but was pleasantly surprised by silky smooth.

THE WORST

10. Bangkok Dangerous

Great location work and immersion in one of the world's most inviting cultures can't save a by-the-numbers crime show about a guy with bad hair extensions and the cipher who loves him.

9. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Up yours. My treasure is a golden idol on a pressure sensitive pedestal.

8. Incredible Hulk

This movie felt too knowing, too cynical, too not-fun. Give me Josh Lucas in freeze frame fireball any day of the week.

7. Star Wars: Clone Wars

If I wanted to watch the pilot for some cartoon aimed at my kid, I'd tune into Cartoon Network.

6. Horton Hears a Who

This film adds absolutely nothing to the book, leaving audience members who already know the volume absolutely nowhere to go.

5. The Forbidden Kingdom

A moderately bad wuxia picture killed by its framing story and a black hole of a leading character. At least Yifei Liu is very good at standing around and looking pretty.

4. Death Race

How do you make a movie called DEATH RACE, then fail to show your audience who's racing, who's dying, and why?

3. Space Chimps

I don't know how to work "chimp" into "sucked," so I'll quote my original review: it's chimpdiculous.

2. The Foot Fist Way

It took me two attempts to get through this hateful movie that finds comedy in humiliation. I shouldn't have made the effort.

1. Mamma Mia

MAMMA MIA's a great big party, but I wasn't invited. I made four attempts to get through this one, and couldn't last more than a few minutes each time. It's as if it was made by and for people from another planet.

Transsiberian

You know what makes TRANSSIBERIAN such a good thriller? It's a thriller about decisions.

Emily Mortimer and Woody Harrelson decide to take the Transsiberian rail line across Northern Asia rather than just fly. Kata Mara and Eduardo Noriega decide to take the train for reasons of their own, as does Ben Kingsley. And then paths start crossing and recrossing and people make decisions that seem right at the time and before you know it there's blood and hash and suspicion and paranoia everywhere you look. It's a train wreck.

And it's a train wreck that keeps surprising us, that keeps us guessing, that delights in winding us up as much as we delight in the winding.

This is excellent stuff, and Emily Mortimer deserves much of the credit for its success. Cowriter and director Brad Anderson had intended to cast Samantha Morton in the lead role, but that (fine) actress suffered an accident and had to bug out at the last minute. What luck that Mortimer was available and willing to step in, because
she displays a range so complete that she takes us on a psychology journey that's dazzling in its scope without once letting us see the craft behind the artistry.

Buying this film's protagonist makes the thriller possible, because we root for her every step of the way. When the movie turns up the heat on her, it turns it up on us. And when it finally backs off, well then, whammo. The best is yet to come.

The Tall T

Actor, writer, and all-around great guy Jim Beaver turned me on to THE TALL T. After seeing the film, I found that I couldn't add much to his comments, so I asked if I could reprint his review. Being the all-around great guy that he is, Jim gave me the go ahead. So, here's Jim Beaver on THE TALL T:

My third favorite Western is, like SEVEN MEN FROM NOW, a Budd Boetticher/Randolph Scott collaboration: THE TALL T. It's from an Elmore Leonard story and while it's an apparently simple good guys/bad guys movie, it resonates with me wonderfully.

Scott is the protagonist, of course, minding his own business as a rancher. He has a delightful bantering relationship with a stage driver played by Arthur Hunnicutt (Oscar-nominated a few years earlier for THE BIG SKY). It seems sort of leisurely until Richard Boone and his two dim-but-dangerous cohorts show up and commit what must have been (and even now still is) a shocking act of violence. Also caught in the whirlpool thus created are Maureen O'Sullivan, playing her age (or greater) as the plain(!) daughter of the local rich guy, and John Hubbard as the cad who married her for her money.

Burt Kennedy's script is tight, with wonderful dialog lifted straight from Leonard's story. (About O'Sullivan, Hunnicutt says, "She was scheduled to be an old maid, till Willard come along." A bad guy talks about about a pretty girl he once knew: "She was wild as mountain scenery." Another heavy is asked his age. His answer: "I don't know. Young, mostly.") The complexity (surprising in a 78-minute movie) comes mostly from the relationship between good guy Scott and bad guy Boone. Boone is drawn to Scott, almost yearning to have someone of Scott's intelligence and breeding in his life, instead of the scum he travels with. It's a fascinating angle on the white hat/black hat tradition.

THE TALL T has only been available infrequently on TV till lately, or in lousy 16mm prints. But Sony is releasing all the Columbia Boetticher/Scott films (of the seven films of the collaboration, only WESTBOUND and SEVEN MEN FROM NOW were for other studios) sometime soon. It's about time. THE TALL T is a small film, with nothing resoundingly profound about it, but I think it's one of the best Westerns ever made.

The Dark Knight

I went into THE DARK KNIGHT skeptically, wondering whether the ballyhoo surrounding Ledger's performance was justified or sentimental. It was justified.

The Joker, as written in this film, is a high wire character. The actor who plays him will either fail or succeed spectacularly, and Ledger succeeds. His Joker is terrifying and sad and sickly funny and wholly compelling, the Joker by which other incarnations of the character will be judged. As for Batman and Gordon and Dent and Dawes, well, they're all fine, but the fact is that I can barely remember them. That Joker, though, he gives me the shivers. And not in a good way. From voice to mannerisms to makeup to worldview, he's a complete character, one who espouses chaos while wreaking it through meticulous planning; one whose backstory shifts and morphs with each retelling; one you can't put your finger on, but who stays with you.

Wow, what a performance. What a movie. I look forward to seeing THE DARK KNIGHT again.

Hancock

What if Superman had poor social skills?

What if he had no social skills? What if he was a drunk, an outcast? What would a world like that look like?

Well, I don't know what that kind of world would look like, but I know that that kind of pitch looks like: a winner. Cast Will Smith as the Superman manque, and now we're talking sure-fire winner. HANCOCK works because Smith is the kind of movie star we love even when he's playing the jerk: the kind of guy we know will come around in the end. And who better to bring him around than Jason Bateman, perhaps the world's finest straight man, and Bateman's "Arrested Development" costar Charlize Theron?

Granted, this is not the kind of movie that'll change your life, but HANCOCK doesn't aspire to be. It aims for big, pulpy entertainment in the "Astro City" vein, and it hits its mark. Good work, Mr. Berg.

Tropic Thunder

I didn't so much as smile at any point in TROPIC THUNDER's run time. The whole enterprise felt like a labored, inside baseball comedy for the kind of people who laugh really hard at blooper reels. At no time did I feel like any of the characters were, on any level, actual people, and the child actor who played the villain was such a one-note performer that I found him to be quite distracting.

This film, a film that appeared to want to deflate vanities, felt like a vanity project. I don't ever need to see it again.

The Pineapple Express

THE PINEAPPLE EXPRESS left me cold. The characters seemed to come from another planet, the action beats felt ridiculously odd, and the comedy set pieces left me flat. While James Franco does, indeed, act his ass off, I never saw the comedy in his interactions with Rogen.

There's just nothing funny here. Two stoners bumbling through a deadly adventure could be funny, I suppose, but the stakes are too high and the comedy not high enough. I spent the film wondering if it would have worked better as a Cheech 'N Chong movie. Do you think they could have saved it?

Get Smart

GET SMART is a formulaic comedy based on a television series I can barely remember. It also happens to be laugh-out-loud funny.

It's not even that GET SMART is particularly well written. It's just particularly well delivered. Steve Carell is perfect as Smart, the bumbling yet oddly capable analyst who finally gets to be a field agent. He plays the character as a man in tight control of his emotions, but who's always just one cone of silence away from gut-bursting joy. Anne Hathaway is, well, Anne Hathaway, upon whom I now formally bestow the title of Can Do No Wrong. She's tough and vulnerable and funny and dazzling and just a pleasure to watch. Dwayne Johnson is one of those guys who's good in whatever he's in, and his sense of comic timing gets better with each outing. Terry "President Camacho" Crews dials it down (for him) and finds just the right volume, and his partner David Koechner has the "laughable jerk" thing down to a science. And then there's Alan Arkin, the Chief, whose deadpan delivery anchors the production and allows it to soar.

The villains are duly villainous without ever being truly threatening, the third act shift into action territory works quite well, and the whole thing kept DB and me amused throughout. GET SMART is slick Hollywood comedy done right. Color me pleasantly surprised.

Mongol

MONGOL does almost everything I want a movie to do: it takes us to a different time, a different place, and a different culture. It educates and entertains, and it does so by giving us interesting people living in interesting time. I invested in the film's hero, Temudjin, and his family. I wanted them to overcome the odds against them and emerge victorious, and I was happy when they did so. (Hey, it's a biopic. They don't make biopics about people who get killed in their teens. Surely, that can't count as a spoiler.)

However, MONGOL does one thing I never want a movie to do: it makes me scratch my head and wonder, "What were they thinking?" Why does the film show us a young Tamudjin falling through the ice on a frozen lake, yet never shows us his escape? Why does the film go to such lengths to underline the brutality and unrelenting nature of his (one-time) captors, only to give us an (apparently) magical deliverance and expect us to believe the captors simply lost interest in him? Why does a movie that expects us to accept that Tamudjin can survive upwards of four years in a tiny cage also expect us to believe that he can emerge from that cage ready to fight, climb, run, and love? Why do the filmmakers go out of their way to explain that Tamudjin wins his climactic battle through strategy, then show us only the first phase of the strategy before turning to what can only be considered divine intervention?

Now, I'm not normally one for head scratchers. I'm willing to go along with what a movie has to give me. But these omissions and errors blew my suspension of disbelief. While MONGOL is a fine costume drama / National Geographic special, I think it could have benefited from one more pass at the writing table and the editing room. Perhaps the filmmakers will do better with the second film of this proposed trilogy of the life of Genghis Khan. I hope so, because I'll be there to see it.

Baby Mama

All right, here it is: BABY MAMA is laugh-out-loud funny.

Here's the setup: ridiculously hot Tina Fey is a career woman whose biological clock is ticking ... like ... this. Problem is, her doctor "doesn't like her uterus," and it looks like she'll never be able to carry a baby. Enter ridiculously hot (and surprisingly funny) Sigourney Weaver as Chafee Bicknell, proprietress of a first class surrogacy service. She matches rhTF with consistently funny Amy Poehler, whose white trash bonafides are cemented by her common-law marriage to ever entertaining Dax Shepard.

And away we go, in a class and culture and gender comedy that's consistently funny and perceptive. rhTF proves that not only can she sway an election, she can carry a movie. How much so? BABY MAMA features Steve Martin's best comedy work in years, and rhTF measures up to him in every frame. cfAP does great work with what could have been an elementary role, and eeDS and the rest of the supporting cast (including Maura Tierney, Romany Malco, Will Forte, Fred Armison, John Hodgeman, and the always likable Greg Kinnear as the love interest) are just plain first rate. The script casts a knowing comedic eye on pregnancy and love, and it manages to be simultaneously sharp, biting, and hilarious.

BABY MAMA is way funnier than I'd expected. It made me lose track of time and kept me chuckling right through the end credits. To those who were put off by the crass and dull trailer, be not deceived by the poor decisions of the marketing department. This picture is a winner.

The Strong Man

TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP is included on the DVD, "Harry Langdon: The Forgotten Clown," available from Netflix. The disc also features two Frank Capra -directed films, THE STRONG MAN and THE LONG PANTS. Yesterday, I saw THE STRONG MAN.

I generally like to take a movie head on. I try to view it, and write about it, on its own terms. But I'm having trouble thinking of Harry Langdon without thinking of the Big Three of silent comedy: Chaplin, Keaton, and Lloyd. As mentioned in my thoughts on TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP, Chaplin and Keaton both relied on physical virtuosity and precise planning in the execution of their films, while Lloyd seemed to put more stock in his charisma. Their efforts resulted in timeless films that haven't lost their ability to entertain generations later. Langdon, on the other hand, does not appear to have been particularly physically gifted. His set-pieces relied on editing and simple stagecraft to see them through. And the poor guy just wasn't as charismatic as he evidently thought he was. Seeing him mug his way through one situation after another isn't particularly amusing nor entertaining. Frankly, it's tiresome.

But hey, THE STRONG MAN gives you a chance to catch some early Capra.

The film opens with Langdon as a Belgian soldier on the Western Front. It's the strongest part of the piece, combining stock footage with character bits that establish the hapless Langdon as the little soldier who couldn't, really, but somehow managed to survive despite himself. Soon enough, the war is over, Langdon has emigrated to America, and Mary Astor is out to take advantage of him. But Langdon only has a heart for one girl, the American who sent him all those nice letters while he was at the front.

This Langdon is childlike, perhaps addled. As he blunders his way from one situation to the next on his path to his One True Love, we're invited to root for him, cry for him, laugh with him. Instead, we look at our watch. His character is so juvenile that we can't engage with him as a man, but he's too old for us to engage him as a boy. The set pieces don't amuse but do go on too long, and the whole thing just grinds.

Recommended for those interested in seeing Capra develop his craft; not many others.

Tramp, Tramp, Tramp

TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP stars Harry Langdon as the Harry Langdon character, a sad sack conveniently named Harry. In this incarnation, Harry's the son of a small town shoemaker who's losing out to shoe magnate John Burton. Burton's secret? A nationwide billboard campaign featuring his lovely daughter, Betty. When Burton dreams up a coast-to-coast walking race sponsored by his cobblery, Harry gets his big chance to enter the race. If he wins, not only does he get enough money to save Dad's business, he just might meet the Burton Shoes poster girl.

Never mind that Betty Burton is played by the terrifying Joan Crawford. The cross country race serves as a way too get our hero from one set piece to the next, though the pieces themselves work with varying degrees of success. Where Chaplin and Keaton could count on physical virtuosity (and meticulous planning) to execute their set pieces, Langdon relies on editing and charisma. When it comes to charisma, however, the guy's no Harold Lloyd. I never invested in Langdon's predicaments because I never invested in Langdon. Besides, how do you root for your hero to get the girl when the girl is dragon lady
Crawford?

For those looking to view this movie for some Crawfordish deliciousness, TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP is sadly lacking. She's your
generic love interest, falling for the star for no reason other than that he's the star.

TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP is a lesser silent comedy, one I'd recommend to Crawford completists and those interested in this era of film. To the general viewing audience, however, I say to give it a pass. There are better silents out there.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS is the pilot episode for the new, animated, Clone Wars series showing on basic cable. How did it rate a theatrical release? Branding, baby. Branding.

Taken as a standalone product, SWCW is a run of the mill sci-fi themed adventure movie. It stars actors we like voicing characters we have no reason to like, embarked on an adventure in which we have no investment, facing peril we never doubt they'll overcome. But hey, it's Star Wars. People will pay money to see it.

Among those people include my 8-yr-old. I think he's on his fourth viewing. The Clone Wars period of the Star Wars story captures his imagination, and the "small person's" POV used when focusing on a new trainee's character appeals to him. Furthermore, the movie pops in HD, and its "cartoon marionette" aesthetic is surprisingly effective.

All in all, for a movie, STCW is a good tv show for kids. Don't expect much more than that.

Hairspray

I sat down in front of HAIRSPRAY with my arms crossed. I was not in the mood for a musical. Two hours later, HAIRSPRAY had me tapping my foot and put a big smile on my face.

HAIRSPRAY is an energetic, colorful, lively, and fun musical that overcomes its jarring elements and delivers a first-rate entertainment experience.

So, let's talk about the jarring elements. First, there's John Travolta. Yeah, the guy's a hell of a dancer (if you can dance in a fat suit and sell it, then buddy, you can dance). But his Baltimore accent was horrible and I never once believed he was anyone other than John Travolta dragged up in a fat suit. Second, there's Christopher Walken. Frankly, I'm tired of Walken's playing against type in comic roles. Creep me out again, Chris! Third, there's the aggressive cheerfulness of the production itself. It's like one of those kids shows that knocks itself out trying to convince its audience how much gosh-darn fun its having.

But enough of that. James Marsden cements his position as one of the most fun to watch young actors working today. Michelle Pfieffer, in her second "wicked witch" role in recent memory has always been one of the most fun to watch actresses in the business. Nikki Blonsky is delightful as the lead, and the whole thing rocks along with a wink and a smile and has so much gosh-darn fun that you can't help but wink and smile along.

What a pleasant surprise.

Mamma Mia!

I took three runs at MAMMA MIA! I was stuck in coach on a transpacific flight in one of those old 747s, the kind with one screen up near the front of the cabin of which you can only see about half. I actually wanted to see this movie because I like Greece, I like the cast, and I liked MURIEL'S WEDDING, which also pushed the Abba.

I made it about thirty seconds in the first musical number before I pulled my headphone jack out of the armrest. But everyone looked they were having such a good time, and the island looked so pretty, that I plugged back in for one of Meryl Streep's numbers, just so I could hear her sing. I think I lasted 45 seconds through "Dancing Queen." Yank.

Then Pierce Brosnan opened his mouth in what appeared to be agony. I plugged back in for his number. I lasted perhaps a full minute that time, but I was done.

MAMMA MIA! is like being dragged to your mom's kaffee klatch during spring break. It's like going along with your wife on a "lunch with the girls" so she can share a part of her life with you. It's like being forced to listen to your sister cry over her latest breakup as you, she, and a friend of hers drive down an interminable highway. If you're a guy, you don't belong. You know you don't belong. Everyone's trying to make you feel like you do belong, but everyone knows you just plain don't. Especially you.

So don't go along. If you're a man, this movie is worse than PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE. It's worse than STEALTH. It's worse than DEATH RACE 2000. Tell your mom to have fun at the kaffee klatch. Tell your wife you'll be having beer and wings with the guys. Tell your sister to drop you off anywhere and tell someone to send water.

Just don't subject yourself to this.

Quantum of Solace

QUANTUM OF SOLACE is an action movie whose action sequences are so incomprehensible as to be outright boring. Seriously. Whoever directed and edited these sequences are terrible at their jobs, utterly unable to string together something so simple as a fistfight without a hundred jump cuts and reaction shots that, at times, had me
wondering who was hitting whom.

The story's fine, I suppose - it's a mystery wrapped in a revenge thriller, with plenty of granola-eating throwaways for the Guilty Hollywood crowd (The next time I hear someone complain about "the corporations," I'm gonna throw my Nerf brick at the screen.). But I didn't care because not only did I not know what was going on, it
became apparent that this iteration of Bond has no fear of death. How can we thrill to the courageous exploits of a man who doesn't need courage because his wiring's screwed up?

Yeah, QUANTUM OF SOLACE is loud and lots of stuff blows up and Bond outflies a fighter in a DC-3, but it just doesn't work. Maybe if I knew what was going on.