I didn’t care about Thor, so I didn’t care about Thor. Since I didn’t care about Thor, I didn’t care about Thor’s antagonist, his love interest, his friends, or his problems. You know who I did care about? Agent Coulson, the guy who appeared to be Samuel L. Jackson’s #2 at SHIELD, which was sorta the FBI for superhero stuff. He played a minor role in Thor, but I’d go to see a movie about him.
Here’s the problem: Thor (a totally ‘roided out Chris Hemsworth – I mean, really: compare a photo of him from the Star Trek reboot with a photo of him from this film) is a god. Yeah, the film presents him as super sci fi bs alien, but he’s basically a god. Not only is he a god, but he’s a dick of a god. He’s obnoxious and egotistical and has a lot to learn. The film is all about him learning to not be such a dick, but so what? Show me a movie about a guy who isn’t a dick in the first place.
Natalie Portman plays Thor’s love interest, a graduate student in physics with her own ‘roided out Land Rover, her own supercool lab, and her own sidekick. When I was a grad student, I could barely afford ramen. How was I supposed to care about this magic princess scientist, doing research in her fantasy world? Now, fine, I know what you’re thinking: this is Natalie Portman we’re talking about. I don’t contest that she’s an absolutely outstanding actress, but this film gives her nothing to do, really. Any reasonably competent, age-appropriate actress could have played this role (that is, pretty girl who digs ‘roided out guys who are dicks). I doubt I’d have believed in any of them.
Thor’s friends? Hey, they’re gods, too! One’s a younger version of Xena, one looks like a youthful Cary Elwes with silly facial hair, one’s a glutton, and one’s just a guy with a mace who doesn’t even do anything cool. I couldn’t relate to any of these gods. If I met them socially, I wouldn’t like them and they wouldn’t like me. Why should I care about them?
Loki’s the antagonist, here presented as Thor’s brother and, essentially, the nerd to Thor’s jock. Problem is, he’s a god, too, so his problems also aren’t my problems. What are his problems? I’m not entirely sure (Well, he does wear a goofy helmet, and there have been times in my life when I could relate to that.). Is he consumed with jealousy? Is he ambitious? Self-hating? How ‘bout just plain evil? I don’t know, and neither does the film. It keeps changing.
Ok, so I didn’t like the characters. What was so bad about Thor’s problems? I didn’t feel like I had a dog in the fight. Since I didn’t care about Thor, I didn’t care whether he or Loki sat on the throne of Asgard. Yeah, there was some stuff in there about evil frost giants, but I didn’t see them as a threat to Earth, so what exactly were the stakes for me? I’ll tell you: zippy.
And yet, Thor manages to stay marginally entertaining for a couple of hours, thanks primarily to Kenneth Branagh’s direction and the presence of one Agent Coulson of SHIELD, assayed by Clark Gregg. Coulson’s an actual human being, a disciplined and efficient government agent bringing cold federal processes to a fantastical world of heroes and monsters. Now, that’s interesting. I want to know more about this guy: where does he come from? How’d he get into this business? What does he think of all this craziness? There’s your movie.
Generally speaking, I enjoy spectacular action movies. I wanted to get into Thor. It looked pretty, lots of stuff blew up real good, and Natalie Portman did bite her lip once or twice. But I needed more. I needed some skin in the game. I needed to care.
