Destroy All Planets

Here's a review from my 12 year old son, Ian:

Destroy All Planets was a fine movie, just fast forward through the talking. There aren’t any important plot details you need to know, just watch the fighting. There’s quite a bit of stock footage, but you should watch it. It’s stock footage of monster battles, so it’s worth watching. I watched all of it and I regretted it. The talking was a waste of time. Gamera fights an alien monster who resembles a squid. Viras is the name of the alien and his main attack is to form a sharp point with the three tentacles upon his head and jump forward, stabbing Gamera, thus making Gamera bleed a large amount of bluish-green blood.

This was not as good as Attack of the Monsters(Gamera vs Guiron), but was better than War of the Monsters (Gamera vs Barugon).

Godzilla vs. Gigan

Here's a review of Godzilla vs. Gigan, courtesy of my 11-year-old, Ian:

Godzilla vs. Gigan is a decent kaiju movie complete with giant monsters flailing around. In the movie, cockroaches invade earth using the alien dragon King Ghidorah, and the cyborg Gigan. Gigan has a chainsaw in his belly and resembles a chicken. Godzilla and his sidekick Anguirus come and save the day. The movie, however, is very cheap.

They keep using stock footage, so the scenes are always changing from night to day (I could see Larval Mothra for a split second in one scene). But, who cares? Not me. The action is great, but a major annoyance throughout the movie was the fact that the movie had soooooo much talking. It was annoying to have to constantly fast forward through all the talking in order to see the action. But, go ahead and rent it. Even if it is annoying to constantly fast forward or watch all the talking, it's still worth the giant monster fight scenes.

Attack of the Monsters

Attack of the Monsters, also knows as Gamera Vs. Guiron, is a late-‘60s giant Japanese monster (or kaiju) movie for kids.  It stars a gigantic, jet-powered flying turtle with really large tusks.  He fights a gigantic lizard-thing with a head shaped like a giant Buck knife and knees that clearly hadn’t been reinforced, because they start to tear in the film’s later stages.  It’s all great fun, with nice model scenery just waiting for destruction and monsters scary enough for an eleven-year-old yet fake enough for a two-year-old.

Here’s the story: Gamera (the turtle) rescues a couple of boys who explore a flying saucer that had touched down near their home (And really, what self-respecting boys wouldn’t?).  See, the saucer is a trap!  It’s remote controlled by evil, brain-eating aliens who look just like attractive Japanese women in shimmery silver leotards!  When the saucer takes off and flies to the Planet of Attractive Japanese Women in Shimmery Silver Leotards, Gamera pursues and does battle with Guiron, the aliens’ attack knife-lizard thing.  Meanwhile, the boys, brave and resourceful, must find a way to escape the clutches of the attractive Japanese women in shimmery silver leotards.  Stuff like this is what popcorn was made for, and my kids ate up every minute of it.

Me?  Well, I had a good time!  Attack of the Monsters so earnestly tried to entertain my kids that it charmed the heck out of me. The Gamera franchise occupies a pleasant sphere as Daiei Studios’ child-friendly answer to Toho Studios’ more teen-oriented Godzilla.  This outing’s aliens were just menacing enough, its sets and costumes just good enough, to help me suspend my disbelief and roll with it.  This isn’t half the movie that my next entry, The Earrings of Madame De… can boast of being.  But it isn’t trying to be.  It’s trying to be light entertainment for monster-hungry preadolescents, and it succeeds.  Attack of the Monsters is a winner.

Godzilla vs. Gigan

GODZILLA VS. GIGAN is one of the weaker entries in the late '60s - early '70s Godzilla ouvre (Yes, I just used the word ouvre in a review of a Godzilla movie. Sue me.). The monster costumes look worn, the story is boring, and even King Ghidorah can't bring a sense of fun or adventure to the proceedings.

How weak is it? I repeatedly checked my watch during the climactic battle, which seemed like it went on forever. If there's one thing a Godzilla movie is supposed to be about, it's the climactic battle. If a picture can't even sell this one crucial element, it is well and truly lost.

What's the story? I saw this picture a couple of days ago, and already I can barely remember it. Something about aliens taking over the world using Gigan and King Ghidorah, and Godzilla getting in there and saving the day. But the movie just doesn't sell it. The acting is ghastly, the production values low, and the whole thing a general embarrassment.

If you're a Godzilla completist, go ahead and knock yourself out with GODZILLA VS. GIGAN. Otherwise, steer well clear. This thing is a monstrous failure.

Godzilla: Final Wars

The Japanese People hate me.

I don't know why. I drive a Honda. I eat sushi. I even do Japanese language tapes in my car. Why, oh why, would the members of this great and noble culture choose to inflict GODZILLA: FINAL WARS upon me? By throwing nearly every monster in the history of Godzilla movies into the thing (yes, including the horrid Minilla), they guaranteed repeated viewings at Chez Ellermann, much to the delight of my little boy. And they guaranteed hours of torment for Yours Truly.

GFW teams up a Japanese guy who looks like Keanu Reeves with a white guy who looks like Stalin. Together, they do battle with an evil alien overlord who looks like David Bowie's villain from THE LABYRINTH. I mean, c'mon, this movie thinks executive transvestites make for credible villains! Well, this particular executive transvestite does seem to have the power to control monsters from Godzilla's past, but any awesomness he could derive from this ability is more than offset by his poor taste in mascara.

This movie is poorly edited, atrociously acted, and can't decide whether it's trying to pay homage to THE MATRIX and INDEPENDENCE DAY or merely rip them off outright. The whole production has only one redeeming virtue: it gives us the spectacle of Classic Godzilla kicking American Godzilla's butt, followed by a quick photo-and-roar-op with Mt. Fuji as a backdrop. If that's your thing, you may enjoy at least five minutes of GFW. Otherwise, stay far, far away.

Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster

GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER (1966) is a bright, funky, and painless monster movie featuring a danceoff, Duane Eddy - style jangling guitars, and a Godzilla monster with a handy screen in his throat for improved vision. It's high camp in a psychedelic mode, missing only cameos from Gidget and the Big Kahuna.

The titular sea monster is a giant lobster, and it must be one of the least scary monsters in the Godzilla pantheon. I understand why they named the movie after it, however. It's scarier than the giant buzzard Godzilla faces in the runup to the big fight, a fearsome battler that's easily dispatched with just one blast of the Big Guy's breath. Nevertheless, what's the point of going with a giant lobster if you're not going to have Godzilla boil it up for the big beach party / clambake? Ah, well. Another opportunity lost.

Anyway, GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER is just plain fun. If you like monsters and you like camp, you'll like this one.

Gojira

Takashi Shimura had a wonderful 1954. First, he starred as Kambei Shimada in The Seven Samurai, one of the greatest films ever made. Then he starred in another Toho production, the original Gojira. The latter film would later be recut and renamed Godzilla for an American audience, and that version (the one with Raymond Burr) would be the only Godzilla the American audience would know for quite some time.

What a shame, and what a blesssing that Sony chose to release the original version in a new U.S. DVD. Gojira is my favorite Godzilla movie, more than making up for its clunky effects and sometimes hamfisted acting with a genuinely scary and thought-provoking tale that recalls and reflects the Japanese sensibility in the wake of WWII.

Two events overshadow Gojira: the nuclear bombings on Hiroshima and Nagasaki and the fire bombing of Tokyo. While Godzilla is, obviously, a radioactive monster awakened by nuclear testing in the Pacific Islands, his destructive rampage invokes the horror of the fire-bombing, an event that (if I remember my 1993 reading of Kurosawa's _Something Like an Autobiography_ correctly) gutted Toho Studios and personally affected the lives of those who worked there. Consequently, Gojira pulls no punches. The monster's rampage isn't cute, or played for action beats. It's horrific, people die, and those who survive the onslaught must deal with the effects of radiation poisoning afterward.

Takashi Shimura anchors this film. Surrounded by overacting young stars and giant latex monsters, Shimura brings a level of maturity and gravity to the situation that makes us believe in both it and him. The actor plays things straight, and paleontologist / wise man character keeps the proceedings anchored in reality when they could very easily descend into camp.

Gojiira. It's the first. It's the best. It's not to be missed. What were the odds that one man could star in two classics in the same year?