Jupiter Ascending

There are two kinds of people in the world:  those who can get behind a wonderful, over-the-top inheritor of the Flash Gordon mantle such as Jupiter Ascending, and those without an ember of joy in their cold, dead hearts.

Here’s a story straight from the Pulp Age of Science Fiction: a peasant learns of a royal heritage, endures a wobbly period of uncertainty and disorientation, then finds his courage, saves the world, and gets the girl.  However, there’s a modern twist: the peasant’s a woman.  She gets the boy.
Beyond that, Jupiter Ascending is pretty standard stuff.  You’ve got your evil, decadent overlords bent on no good.  You’ve got your knight errant.  You’ve got your fantastical creature designs, thoughtfully designed alien landscapes & technologies, and fate of the world-type stuff hanging in the balance.

 

That said, Jupiter Ascending is *good* standard stuff.  Eddie Redmayne goes well over the top as a villain in the finest tradition of Ming the Merciless.  Channing Tatum is up for anything as the knight errant, imbuing the hokiest science fiction exposition with urgency and color.  And Mila Kunis, as the peasant girl with royal blood in her veins, does a marvelous job of showing us her character’s arc from dissatisfied nobody (But I was going to Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!) to resolute somebody (You’re up to no good, Villain.  And I’m going to stop you!).

So the question to ask yourself is this: do you enjoy pulpy, goofy sci-fi adventure crafted with love and an eye toward fun?  If so, expect to start smiling very early in this film, then keep smiling right up to the credits.  Jupiter Ascending is a pleasant surprise.

Ted

Ted is a hilarious 10-minute sketch crammed into an excruciating 106-minute movie.

Here's the sketch: a lonely boy wishes that his teddy bear would come to life and be his best friend forever. The wish comes true and the boy and his bear grow into two lazy, irresponsible, couch-bound weed monkeys. The bear says and does lots of vulgar stuff, which is funny coming from a teddy bear. That's about it.

This makes for an amusing first act. Mark Wahlberg is game for just about anything as the grown-up slacker, and the animators who created the bear do phenomenal work. The joke wears thin by the second act, however. By the third, we're checking our watches and wondering if we have any socks that need folding.

What's bad about it? First, Wahlberg is horribly miscast as the aforementioned couch-bound weed monkey. While he's a fine actor who's willing to work for a laugh, the fact is that he looks like a bodybuilder. I submit that it's impossible to be both a lazy, irresponsible, couch-bound weed monkey and a bodybuilder. Bodybuilding requires dedication, discipline, and a work ethic. Every time the movie showed me Wahlberg's character sprawled out on the couch, with a beer to one hand and a bong to the other, all I could think was, “Shenanigans. This guy looks like he spends his time drinking protein shakes and doing hammer curls. I'm just not buying it.”

And the love interest? I felt actively sorry for Mila Kunis in this picture. Not only was she trying to play a character wholly in love with an unlovable man, she looked so thin that I wanted to shout, “Hey, Wahlberg, how about sharing one of your protein shakes with this poor woman? She looks like she's about to collapse!”

The score is boring. The cinematography is boring. The direction is lackluster. While watching this film, I felt that I was making a conscious choice to fritter away my precious time on this earth. Yes, I laughed during the first act, and I think Ted's premise would make for a terrific “Funny or Die” short. But as a feature film? Ted is worse than bad: it's boring. I feel cheap just for taking the time to write about it.

Oz the Great and Powerful

You could play a game during Oz the Great and Powerful called “How baked is James Franco right now?” I swear to God, the guy looks like he's flying high for a good half of the movie's running time.

So, what's it about? Well, Franco plays a low-end carnival magician who doesn't realize he's past his peak attractiveness. When Michelle Williams basically offers to marry him, he's too stupid to realize that there is no better deal around the corner and sends her on her way. So it's about an idiot.

When a tornado hits the carnival and the idiot gets transported to Oz, Mila Kunis basically offers to marry him. Not realizing that God has given him a second chance to settle down with an A-teamer even though he's a few years past his sell-by date, the idiot temporizes. Then, because he's pretty much the luckiest idiot ever, Rachel Weisz puts the moves on him. Ok, so the idiot wasn't an idiot after all: Rachel Weisz was the better deal around the corner. Guess how he responds?

Yep. He's an idiot.

Or not – you'll have to see the movie and decide for yourself. While doing so, enjoy Sam Raimi's unique directorial style (Really, you should see Drag Me to Hell.  Not enough people did.) the pretty colors, the fine supporting work, the expert animation, and playing “How baked is James Franco right now.” If you approach Oz the Great and Powerful in the right frame of mind, you'll have an idiotic good time.

The Book of Eli

The Book of Eli is a western – a post apocalyptic western, sure, but a western nonetheless.

Denzel Washington plays a Man With No Name who wanders into a dusty Western town in search of water and supplies.  He carries a MacGuffin, and town honcho Gary Oldman wants it. 

Cue the bloodshed.  It’s as if Sergio Leone directed The Road.  Your enjoyment of this film will hinge on your fondness for Washington, Oldman, and bloodshed.  It also helps if you don’t like cats.  I like Washington, Oldman, and bloodshed, as long as the blood is fake; and I don’t like cats.  I walked away a happy guy.  You might, too.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL was a great surprise. I was busy with other things when it came out, so I missed Ebert's very favorable review and the positive word of mouth it generated. It took a coworker's raves to get me to sit down for the movie, and I must remember to thank that guy.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL has an uninspiring setup, one that could work for any number of comedies with varying success. A guy's girlfriend dumps him. He goes to Hawaii to forget her with a change of scenery. She turns up at the same resort with her new boyfriend. But other comedies don't have the guy writing a rock opera of Dracula with a soul-baring tune that makes you want to both laugh and cry (and laugh). Other comedies don't have supposed villains who turn out to be among the funniest and most noble characters in the picture. Other comedies don't have that perfect combination of raunchy humor and gentle understanding that are the hallmark's of producer Judd Apatow's ouvre.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL does make the common mistake of forgetting the "comedy" part of "romantic comedy" in most of the third act, but it makes up for it with a stitch of an ending. This is a charming, funny, marvelous film, one well worth seeing.

I've been raving about it to my coworkers.