Red

RED is a silly, ultraviolent, pulpy action picture that features Dame Helen Mirren in a slinky white evening gown.

I know.  I had you at “Dame Helen Mirren in a slinky white evening gown.”  Now, try this on: “Dame Helen Mirren in a slinky white evening gown, wielding a machine gun.”

Woof.

Here’s the story: Bruce Willis is a retired CIA covert ops guy.  For reasons that will be revealed later, the CIA decides that he and his buddies all need to die, and quickly.  Well, as we’ve learned in The Losers, The Expendables, and The A Team, it’s always a bad idea to try to kill off covert ops guys – they can kill back.

So what?  What differentiates this from the other three “superduper commando teams solve the mystery and kill a bunch of people” movies that came out last year?

Um.  Helen Mirren.  Slinky white evening gown.  Machine gun.

Ok, there’s more to RED than Dame Helen Mirren mowing down hostiles while clothed in a slinky white evening gown.  Bruce Willis is a natural movie star who’s just plain fun to watch.  His team is made entirely of outstanding actors: Mirren, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Brian Cox, even James Remar and Mary-Louise Parker.  We also get the Great Ernest Borgnine in a crucial supporting role and Karl Urban and Richard Dreyfuss as villains.  We’re talking about serious wattage here: these people know how to own a movie screen.

And it works.  All that charisma carries RED’s wafer-thin story for a solid hour and a half of gunfire, ‘splosions, and a brand of carefree murder so blasé that we cease to think of the targets as characters and see them as the stuntmen they are.  Red turns out to be silly, fun, anarchic, and a great time at the movies.

I just wish I’d seen it on the big screen.

Blade: Trinity

It helps if you go into BLADE: TRINITY with low expectations. You'll need them. Exepect Wesley Snipes to deliver a one-note performance. Expect ridiculously pathetic vampires who couldn't terrorize a Sunday-school class. Expect choppily edited fight scenes that make it virtually impossible to recognize what's going on half the time. Oh, and expect lots and lots of intrusive product placements - seriously, if there was an award for product placement, BLADE: TRINITY would win, downtown.

If you do all this, you'll probably enjoy BLADE: TRINITY. The movie delivers pretty much exactly what you'd expect: cheesily menacing vampires, lots of people jumping around and kicking other people in the face, and a throbbing soundtrack that's always reminding you to have fun, fun, doggonit! With the exceptions of Parker Posey, gamely trying and failing to portray a menacing vampire leader, and Ryan Reynolds, who seems to think he's in BORDELLO OF BLOOD, the actors and stuntmen are just fine. The production values areprofessional, and the whole thing comes off as a reasonable entertaining exercise.

Just know that you're going to get pretty much exactly what you expect.