Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is so bad it sapped my will to write about movies for over a month.  It turned my lifelong enthusiasm for the medium into a flaccid, faded memory of itself.  It drove me to bypass all the great films in my Instant queue in favor of old episodes of ’Doctor Who.’  It’s a horror; an abomination.  It ranks among the very worst movies ever made.  I’d sit through five sequels to Bollywood’s Krrish before I’d even let my neighbor across the street play this horror on his TV.

How bad is it?

It’s so bad that, about 45 minutes in, my three boys fell asleep on the couch while watching it.  Just let that sink in for a moment: here’s a loud movie about cars and robots and explosions that bored three healthy American boys.  It’s so bad that I, who sat through The Expendables, couldn’t sit through the action set pieces and, instead, found all manner of chores to accomplish around the house (Bathroom towel rack mounting – check.).

This movie is so bad that even thinking of it in any kind of a critical manner makes my head ache.  All I want to do is heap scorn upon it, sneer at those who made it, and never see it again.

So, yeah, this isn’t a review.  It’s a screed.  But some movies don’t deserve reviews and screeds are all they get.  Tranformers: Dark of the Moon, you’re an affront to the very notion of narrative film.  You have no artistic, aesthetic, or even prurient value.  You’re a cynical, worthless, boring embarrassment of a movie that I’m ashamed to have ever tried to screen for my kids.  Shame on you, and shame on me for renting you.

Now, begone and never be heard from again.

Star Trek

STAR TREK does all the things a good summer action movie should do. It has pathos. It has jokes. It has sex. It blows lots of stuff up real good. It's also a surprisingly good picture, one made to entertain the general public while throwing plenty of bones to the trekkies in the audience.

Here's the deal: the charismatic and dangerous Eric Bana (Really, you should see CHOPPER) plays an angry guy out for revenge through multi-planetary genocide. BOTTLE SHOCK's terrific Chris Pine is li'l Captain James T. Kirk, the only cat in the Federation bad enough to take him on. Joining li'l Kirk is li'l Spock, li'l McCoy, and the rest of the gang. They crack jokes. They have conflict. They blow stuff up. Li'l Spock gives li'l Kirk one of those manly nods of the head saying, "I guess you're ok, after all." Most importantly, Leonard Nimoy shows up as Big Spock, and there is no such thing as a film that is worse off for the presence of one Leonard Nimoy.

The thing about "Star Trek" that the post - original series showrunners never got was that nobody cares about make believe diplomacy among imaginary alien races. Nobody cares about heavy handed, though well meaning, depictions of of the Marxist utopia of the future. People care about the friendship of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. That's the dynamic that has always made Star Trek worth watching, and J.J. Abrams gets it. STAR TREK may spend lots of time on space battles and angry villains, but it's really about that friendship, about sharing in the feeling that there are people around you who've got your back. It's a good feeling, and it's a good way to spend a couple of hours at the movies.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

STAR TREK IV is everything I love about Star Trek packed into 109 minutes of pure fun.

ST4 begins with a mysterious probe heading toward Earth and rendering powerless everything in its path. Coincidentally, the Enterprise crew is about to embark for Earth, where they will face court martial for a host of crimes, not the least of which is forcing audiences to sit through the tedious STAR TREK III. Naturally, the crew will save the day and save themselves, so they can inflict upon us the truly horrific STAR TREK V, but that's just the plot. That's not what makes ST4 a winner.

ST4 (the most successful film of the series, as I recall) focuses on the thing that made Star Trek unique: the apparant camaraderie among its crew members. The Enterprise crew, far from having become a bunch of hoary old retreads, is a well-oiled machine, so comfortable working together that they can take the time to enjoy the ride. The film maintains a perfect tone of light entertainment, all while calling attention to an issue that, while perhaps more glamorous in its day, remains no less relevant in our own. The science is vaguely implausible, yet waived aside so blithely that we don't ask too many questions: it does what it's supposed to do: impart a sense of wonder without overwhelming us with jargon.

STAR TREK IV touches on important themes, such as the value of friendship and the importance of conservation. But the thing I always loved about STAR TREK, the thing that brought me back after more than twenty years, is its sense of fun and delight. STAR TREK IV has it in spades, and I enjoyed the heck out of seeing it again.